128 Regrouping

My apologies for no posts for the last two days. There are times when you have to take a step back and regroup. The last two days have been that. This post is my journey to be a writer. It shares things that have made me who I am. I had committed to spend a number of weeks talking about the places I have lived and the impact they have made on me. The places where I have lived, the things that have happened to me and the way I have learned to respond to things all effect my writing.

We are complicated creatures. As I wrote a few days ago, adversity seems to be in everyone’s life. If you look at the stories that have become classics, you will find that they contain intense conflict. There is always the bad guy and the hero. In most of the stories, the hero isn’t perfect, most of the time far from it.

There is a character in David Eddings series named Belgarath. Belgarath is in most respects a dirty old man. He drinks too much, doesn’t bathe regularly, lets his eyes wonder. He is older than dirt and, oh yes, the most powerful man in the world. He owns little and lords over few. Yet when the time comes, kings obey him. You come to love the old man and wish you could get to know him personally.

I don’t know where David Eddings came up with his character, but I am glad he did. I hope my characters will become so alive to my readers.

Tomorrow I will continue with the places I have lived. Have a good day.

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127 Actions

This weekend has been full of extreme ups and downs. Tears of joy and tears of remorse. The level of intensity has left us drained. There have been surprises at both extremes. On a weekend when it should have been all happy and good, there was a cloud of hurt and shame overshadowing it.

There was a start of new life and a reminder of deep hurt. As two became one and start an adventure that will take them the rest of their life, wounds of wrongs done decades ago were reopened in fresh agony.

Actions done in passing, having a long term affect on another. I think of the split second of an accident where the outcome is being in a wheel chair for life, only in this, the hurt and the pain is internal to the point of defining the person.

The problem is once it happens you can never change it. Even when you learn how to live with it, there are always people who are more than willing to help you remember the damage you have caused and reopen the guilt and pain.  They seem to want to watch you squirm all over again. Apologies don’t sooth the soul and are inadequate to amend for the wrong done.

The thing I have learned in life is that there are things you never get over, you only learn to live with. Those things define who you are and how you have to live.  I find that in the mind, time does not exist. The event you remember can have happened yesterday or 50 years ago and you still remember them clearly. I don’t know if it is a blessing or curse.

I know That I was given a fresh start in life 18 years ago. I carry the burden of the past, but I get to do so in a present that is redefining who I am.

Life is complex. I think that is why we aren’t made to live overly long lives. The tapestry that makes up our life gets too heavy.

I  have learned to express myself in words on paper. I can use the good, bad and ugly in my life to maybe help others to minimize the mistakes they make. For that I count myself fortunate.

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126 Adversity

Bio Dome 2

I think mankind was created to have adversity. Even in the Garden of Eden there was temptation. Ever since that fateful place, man has been struggling with adversity. Even if you don’t believe in the Garden of Eden, you can’t deny the adversity we live with everyday.

If adversity doesn’t make you stronger or you become the victim of it. It is how you face adversity that determines the result. The person who succeeds is the one who keeps getting up after he is knocked down. There are not any great people in history who didn’t have a lot of adversity.

In the 90’s near Tucson, Arizona they built a bio dome. The idea was to be completely self contained. All the food to be consumed was grown there, the carbon dioxide was processed back to oxygen along with waste conversion and water purification. The project failed. The trees fell over. Once they gathered all the data of why it failed, they found they missed one important thing. They didn’t have wind. Without wind the trees could not grow strong roots to hold the trees up. They hadn’t put “adversity” into the equation.

Some of the most beautiful trees in the world grow on costal cliffs, where they are exposed to the harsh winds. They have dense wood, strong roots and definite character.

I have had a lot of adversity in my life. I think sometimes I should legally change my middle name to Adversity.

I have been the victim of it and the source of it. It has helped form me into the man that I am, for the good and for the bad. I have a small handful of friends who have just accepted me for who I am and where I am in my life. I value them a lot and need to let them know it.

I have one friend, whom I have known for over 45 years. He has seen the best in me and definitely the worst in me.  Of coarse I have seen that in him too. We may be separated by 1,700 miles, but we will be friends to the end.

Adversity has made me a stronger person. It has definitely flavored my writing. It will continue to flavor my writing.

It isn’t how you handle the good times, but how you handle the bad ones that make you who you are.

How do you handle it?

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125 The Flight

The Land on top of the Clouds

I get to write this blog at about 30,000 feet. We are on our way to our son’s wedding. Hoping to make sure we had everything, we packed everything on carry-ons. We get to the gate only to find out that there will not be room for the baggage in the cabin and have to check the bag in. Hopefully it will be at our destination.

Trying to write aboard a jet is not as easy as I thought it would be. The seats are cramped and there is little room to hold the computer. I tried the fold down tray and found my elbows were almost against the back of my seat. I ended up writing this with my computer on my lap. And the screen folded to a point that I could not even read it. All my corrections will be done once we land in Denver and wait for our next flight.

It is interesting to think that there is nothing blow you for 30,000 feet.

I find that I am more nervous about the prospect of flying than I am of the flight itself. I guess there is a sense of resignation once the plane starts moving. Why is it we have fears like this are really unfounded. There are hundreds of flight everyday. And how many crashes?

I find it interesting that if we were to drive to our destination, it would take several days. By flying we get there in a couple of hours. I think we loose something in the journey. We wake up in one part of the country and go to sleep thousands of miles away.

The sun is just below a field of clouds. The brilliance of the orange is accented by the whiteness of the clouds. It is hard to believe that below them is the real world, where people live. I wonder what it would be like if people could live on these layers of clouds; to have whole countries on a land of white that floats from one place to another. One group of people who live on stratus clouds and maybe another who live on the bilious cumulus clouds.

For a writer the world is full of ideas to write  about.

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124 The Lab

We lived in Netarts for less than a year. The only other kid in the neighborhood was Dwayne L. His parents managed the little motel across the street from us. There were neighbors around us, I just don’t remember anything about them.

Dwayne was a couple of years younger than me. We would roam around the area and pretend we were on adventures. I had learned that swearing was kind of cool. I didn’t do it in front of my parents, I wasn’t stupid.

Our street dead ended at the edge of the woods. We would play in those woods frequently. One time we went further in than we had in the past. We found an old overgrown building. The windows were broken and the door smashed in. Suddenly we became cops and had to go into the “gang of bad guys” secret hideout.

What we found inside was an abandoned chemical lab. This was the early 60’s, we didn’t have meth or any of the other common street drugs like we do today. We were a backwater town at the end of the world. I remember bottles of chemicals, test tubes and beakers. I also remember being scared of getting caught there. I just knew my dad was going to suddenly appear and I would be in trouble. I don’t remember going back to it again, but I think my love for secret labs started then. It was reinforced by Frankenstein movies later in my childhood. Secret labs now appear in my stories.

Dwayne and I were playing in a bush like tree at the edge of his property. We were pirates and I was teaching him to swear like a pirate, because everyone knew that cool pirates swore. The problem was, Dwayne’s mom heard me swearing. He got called home and was told that I was a bad influence and that he couldn’t play with me anymore. My parents were told and my dad and I had a moment alone. I don’t remember what he said, except that there was swearing and name calling. I do remember it was hard to sit for a few hours.

It wasn’t more than a few months after that when we picked up and moved halfway across the country to Towner, North Dakota.

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123 Canoes

White man started settling in Oregon around 1811. It would be 48 more years before it became a state. On the Northern Coast were three settlements of Indians. These were the Tillamook, Nehalem, and Nestucca. They were a peaceful people and one of the only Indian groups who built their homes out of wood. The other thing they were known for was canoe building. They were nicknamed the Canoe Indians.

Okay there is your history lesson. Really, there is a purpose behind it. When I was in fourth grade we were studying the Tillamook Indian tribe. Guess it makes sense, since we lived in the city was Tillamook. We had a member of the Tillamook Tribe came and spoke to our class. He told us about their lifestyle and especially about the canoes they built.

The name Tillamook means “land of many waters”. Canoes were a very important part of their life. Important people in their tribe would be buried in them. The Cape Mears Jetty had once been a burial ground for them. But since that time, a city had been built there and washed out to sea.

I became obsessed with canoes. We were walking the jetty beach one day and I came across a chunk of wood sticking out of the ground. I yelled to my dad that it was the upper end of a canoe. For whatever reason, he believed that I could be right and brought Mr. Walker, the curator of the Pioneer Museum, out to look at it. It turned out I was right.

Dad had some men from the Garibaldi Coast Guard Base come and help dig it out. The Portland Oregonian had somehow found out about it and sent a reporter to cover the dig. My little sister was with my dad and I was in school. That Sunday there was a picture on the front page of my sister sitting in the canoe.

The canoe sat outside the Pioneer Museum for over 30 years.

That was my 15 minutes of claim to fame.

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122 Valentine’s Day

Skull of Valentine

Yes, I know, we have enough sappy stuff about Valentine’s Day. But did you know this day originally had nothing to do with romance? It was a Catholic holiday in honor of St. Valentine, they are not sure which one. Legend has 3 of them, all martyred. The original was Valentine of Rome who was martyred in 269 AD. The flower crowned skull of St. Valentine is exhibited in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome. That sounds real romantic.

It wasn’t until the poem about love birds written by Chaucer in 1382 that romance started its association. There are other various traditions about lovers during the 14th century.

That brings us to today. I think Valentine’s Day is the last big push for card, candy and flower sellers before the dreaded tax day comes and make everyone poor. I know not much romance there.

Seriously, romance and love do play a large part in our society. But it seems that in our day and age, it is more often infatuated love that takes the forefront. Hollywood really pushes this; fall in love, fall out of love. Sex is involved at every stage. When you get bored, you find someone else. I don’t know about you, but to me that is just plain gross.

I have been married now for almost 16 years. When I first “fell” in love with my wife, there was a lot of sexual attraction as well. We were in love. . . We hadn’t lived together, didn’t see each other after throwing up, or first thing in the morning. We didn’t have arguments about anything. The kids were perfect and we didn’t think twice of driving 45 minutes to see each other for 20 minutes.

Now fast forward 15 years. Do we have the same kind of intense love for each other that we did 15 years ago? Yes and no. We have now seen each other at our worst. We have had issues with all the kids at one point or another. We have been sick, broke, upset and worried.

What happened to the intense love we started with? That early love was bottled up and concentrated. Once we popped the cork, it flowed out. What was intense at first and spread over everything. Think of it as perfumed oil. In the bottle everyone can smell it. Poured out onto a porous surface, it soaks in and coats it all. It is still there, but now it covers everything. Yes, it is thinner, yes the odor is not as strong, but it has soaked in. The lives it penetrates are stronger for it. That kind of love can stand up to the harsh elements of the world.

It is that kind of love that is giving and honest, unselfish and real. It is the kind of love little girls hope to find when they grow up.

So, today, if you have that kind of love in your life, honor that. It may not be the traditional candy and flowers. It may be time together, romance (that doesn’t just mean sex, guys), hand holding and nearness.

Today I honor the one I love from the bottom of my heart. She isn’t my inferior, whom I have to lord over and control, she isn’t my superior, whom I have to fear. She is my partner, whom I stand side by side with and get to love and cherish.

This blog is about the life of a writer. Well guys, I would not be much of a writer or much of a man without the love of my wife. What do I owe her? My life and all I have.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Roses of the Heart

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121 The Library

My local Library. Nice place to get a book, not so much for writing.

Well, it is Monday again. It seems like the weeks fly by. The end of last week I spent an hour writing in our local library. I mean what better place to write then a building full of books.

The reason I look for places away from home to write is lack of ownership. When I write away, I don’t have to care if there is something undone there, it isn’t my responsibility. At home, if feel the need to make sure the kitchen is clean, the dog wants to play, the desk isn’t just right. I know it is something I have to overcome. I make it sound like I only write away from home. That isn’t true. I still do a lot of writing there.

But, come on a library? That should be a great place to write. Well, ours isn’t. They have lots of books, great atmosphere, but few tables. It is like they want you to come in get your book and get out.

I guess maybe I was spoiled as a kid. We lived in a college town. The library, on campus, was open to the public. I think there were more study desks there then there was rows of books. Two stories of desks to choose from. I spent many evenings doing homework there.

So I guess I was expecting more of that atmosphere. That’s not what I experienced. I did find a chair with as mini desk attached to its arm. It worked okay, but the feeling was that it had been placed there as an after thought. I think it will be a long time before I go back there to try and write.

Next Monday I will definitely have a unique place to write, and one of the most expensive. You will have to wait and see. Have a good day.

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120 Thanks

Butt pad

Thanks, thank you, thanks a lot. Simple words that can make a world of difference in someones life. We live in a fast paced world, where comments are made and then we go on to the next thing. Rarely do we really just stop and listen to the depth of what is said.

I am getting to an age when it seems like something is hurting. If I sit too long, my back hurts; if I stand too long, my feet hurt; if I rough house with the grandkids, I hurt in a lot of places. Those of you over 50 can relate.

I sit most of the day and I was finding the chair I was in made my back hurt. The solution? An exercise ball! I picked up a 75 cm ball with sand inside to “weight” it enough not to roll. I gave my chair away and have been sitting on this ball now for about three weeks. The low back pain has gone, but now I have upper back pain. Not only that, but I am sitting on 75 cm of air. Do you know what happens to air when it just sits there? It’s cold! Now I have a sore upper back and a cold butt.

I am hoping the upper back pain will go away with the continued use of those muscles, but the cold butt, not a chance. I hit upon a solution. Make a pad to go between my butt and the ball. The problem? I don’t sew. Okay, I can sew a button on a shirt and I am real good with the stapler for holes in socks, but not so good with a project of this caliper.

Fortunately, I have a friend who does sew. Not only that, she was willing to take on the challenge. I think her husband (who is my closest friend), must have thought I was a little off my rocker. But, friends are allowed to think that.

I picked up material — brown fleece, some insulating material, elastic banding and thread. A week later, like magic, I was presented with my new butt insulator. I took it to work and placed the pad where my back side was to go and slipped the elastic bands around it. Everything worked like a glove, or mitt, or what ever. It worked. Now I can sit at my computer and not get chilled from the backside up.

I don’t know if there is a market for a butt pad for exercise balls or not, but I owe a great heap of thanks to my friend for making it — Peg, Thank You!!!

The upper back, well that is still taking it’s time to get used to.

So, if there is someone in your life who has gone out of their way to do something for you, take a few moments and really tell them thanks.

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119 The American Dream, or is it Nightmare?

The American Dream????

Every journey begins with one step. Every change in life happens in a instant. The paths we take sometimes have been set for us and sometimes we choose for ourselves. I think people coming out of High School have paths thrust on them by expectation of what they should do. You take the same kind of job as your father. You go to college, even if you are wasting your time by going. You get a job to support a family. Or, for a few you run away and try to start something different.

There are a few people who have know what they want to do since they were kids. They follow that path their whole life, never considering anything else.

Then life happens. You marry and have kids, or have kids and marry. You end up with bills. You are frustrated in what you do and cover that frustration by buying yourself into debt, trying to find fulfillment in stuff. The American Dream is to have a house paid for, two cars, a boat and 2.5 kids. Don’t forget the dog and maybe a housekeeper to come in once a week and clean.

Unfortunately the reality is people want the American Dream so bad and work in a dead end job, so they charge the American Dream. They live for the weekends and are a slave at work to pay the debt. A large number of Americans would have to work for 10 years, without spending one dime of their income, to pay off their dept.

As Americans, the richest country in the world, we are one of the socially poorest. We put our passion into things instead of each other. Marketing debt and dissatisfaction is the number one industry in our country. It’s the ring in the nose, leading you to the chains of slavery.

Lincoln may have ended slavery in our country, but Marketing brought it back. Only this time it crosses all races, income levels and ages. More marriages end in divorce because of money issues than because of infidelity.

The result is a crumbling society, imploding on itself. We spend time trying to solve the symptoms and rarely look at the cause.

Everyone needs to feel satisfaction in their life. For most men it is in what they do. Their identity is tied up in their job. If they hate their job then they hate how they see themselves. They do many stupid things to feel better about themselves, most with poor results.

If you have a dream, if you have matured into what you want to do with the rest of your life, if you have found your passion, peruse it. Until you do you will be miserable. You may not be able to quit your day job at first. But if you work hard, the time will come when you can. I think this is the biggest fear owners of companies have.

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